I think the best thing i have done for myself in a long time is avoiding stepping on the scale for about 10 days. WOW 10 days a lot of you might think to yourself. But to someone recovering from orthorexia, the obsession FINALLY began to fade. I was thriving on how my body looked, not on the number. I felt strong and confident. I PRed in two races in one night (after a week of traveling and fighting a head cold). I finally told myself that weighing LESS does not equate to me being faster. I was faster without weighing in every morning. Food is fuel. I felt great. I didn’t need to rely on the scale.
I began weighing myself a few days this week because I felt ready after my confidence and performance. But this past week I noticed a shift in the scale. Slightly down by hardly a pound. Unintentional, it was a busy first full week back at school and I did my first 11 mile run in months, but I was thriving on this number. But then obviously this weekend was full of food, friends and football. I ate way out of context than what my body is used to. So many cookies, salty snacks and cheesy foods that I don’t even crave ever. I was just with friends trying to learn to live again. But I definitely overworked out to EARN these snacks, drinks and memories. I prepped the week by throwing that 10.6 mile run in there and continued to run 10×400 on Friday and took TWO spin classes on Saturday afternoon where I am sure you loose weight just by the amount you sweat. I am not going to sit here and LIE to you that I didn’t purposely plan those spin classes on the day I was planning on drinking wine and eating cookies followed by my rest day and the Super Bowl. I needed to earn the way I was eating this weekend. After I woke up feeling disgusting from the amount i ate and drank, I was so anxious because it was super bowl Sunday. I would still lie to you if I didn’t say I went to the gym and power walked for 30 minutes, took a yoga class and walked everywhere just to earn the snacks I was going to eat later in the day. I hardly ate all day until the game because I was so bloated and disappointed in my habits on Saturday night.
Now it’s Monday. Today I woke up and weighed in on three different scales to get an accurate number or make myself feel better. I gained about 1-2 pounds over the weekend. Is this real weight gain? Honestly, I know that its not but SEEING that number makes me so mad. The weight is simply holding salt and carbs my body isn’t used to. Disappointed and disgusted I worked out for about two hours today and slightly restricting. But why am I resorting back to this number? These weigh ins yet again? Now I am going to overwork myself all week to “burn it off” just like I “worked out” to earn it. All I can say is I felt like I was living again but the number got too high for my comfort. Instead of being proud of my accomplishments and how far I have come, I am reverting back to caring about that number on the scale. I thought I was living this weekend by allowing myself different foods and drinks even on a rest day. I wouldn’t be caught dead eating like that on a rest day about 3 months ago. But am I really living right now? Am I enjoying life if I have to take two sweaty spin classes to earn food? Am I living where the next day I spend the day running 7 miles and lifting for 40 minutes to burn it off? I still have a long way to go. I don’t live yet and I still care deep down in side. Yeah I think my body looks way sexier now, but I don’t think I have let go of the scale. I think it takes longer than people can grasp. I get afraid to tell people I stepped on again and care because I don’t want them to get upset. I don’t want them to think I have completely reverted back. Truth is I haven’t reverted back, I just don’t have full control of the monster. Soon I will learn that less is more in the gym, the scale is just a number and I only live this life once.
Weigh too true 